Contact

My apologies for taking a break from my fiction series, but an event happened the other day that I really need to work out before I can get back to my story. Admittedly, A. is probably the only person upset I haven't added a new chapter, but I needed to purge these thoughts from my head first.

I was making dinner on Monday night when I received a text from my mom. It said,

"We just got a card from (nursing home) in (town). It looks like Uncle S.'s writing. It is addressed to you. Do you want us to open it?"

I cannot express how I felt when I got this text. Throughout my therapy, I've tried to accept the fact that I may never know what happened to me. I've tried to accept that I'd never hear from my uncle again, that I'd never be able to ask him any questions about my past, that he was possibly dead. I've just tried to let it go, to shut that door forever.  With that one text from my mom, the door has been cracked open.

My heart dropped into my stomach. Instant anxiety. The first contact from my abuser in over 10 years.

The thoughts raced through my head.

I need them to open that. 

I need to know what it says.

It might upset Mom.

Doesn't matter. I need to know.

I wrote my mom back. I told her that I wanted them to open it. I also told her that it was ok if just Dad opened it, if my mom thought it would upset her. While my parents both know I'm in therapy for something my uncle did to me, I've never shared any details. Uncle S. is my mom's brother and I think the knowledge that he did something to me greatly distresses her.

I guess my mom needed to know, however. She opened the letter and wrote me back:

"It is a card that says, 'Thinking of You'. There is a note also. 'Well, don't know how to begin so I will keep it short. It's been so long. I hope you and (brother)'s life is good. I think of him also. You were the closest to me. I'm living in (nursing home) probably around 10 years after being homeless. I finally got a tablet and gmail and I'm learning but still not that good. I hope to see you and (brother) one day. (insert email) I love you.'"

I was floored. I had so many reactions, so many thoughts. Mainly anxiety. Anger. Hurt. Questioning everything I've ever thought.

This letter said basically nothing. What was I expecting? An admission of guilt? I think I was expecting an admission of guilt or, at the very least, some answers.

I went to bed on Monday night feeling numb.

I woke up feeling distraught on Tuesday. It was a gray, rainy day but I told A. that I must run. I ran outside with no cell phone, no headphones. Only A. following me slowly in the car. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I ran until my legs and back hurt, and I was puffing on air. I ran until my head cleared minutely.

A million voices pummeled me while I ran. There was an angry voice screaming "HOW DARE HE??? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS???"

There was also the underlying sinister voice that always says, "Maybe his note said nothing because nothing happened. Maybe he's just a sad, lonely uncle reaching out to his favorite niece."

I ran until I outran these voices.

I don't know how I'm feeling today. All over the place would probably be an accurate description. Luckily, I have therapy tomorrow so I'm hoping my therapist can help me sort this out. I think what I need to sort out is if I'm going to contact my uncle back. Part of me says that's a ridiculous idea because my uncle is manipulative and a liar. Part of me says that due to this, I'll never get the truth anyway. Part of me says I need to at least contact him to tell him that I know what he did, he did not get away with it, and to never contact me again.

There's only a couple of things I know for a fact after receiving this information:

1. My uncle is alive.

2. He tried to contact me.

The biggest question I'm left with is this: Why now? Why did he reach out to me now, after all these years?